Catholicism is Fruitcake. Protestantism is Banana Bread.


November 21, 2013 by lucieromarin

Today’s post was to be about post-Deluge theology. Then I read this post, entitled ‘In Defense of Fruitcake,’ and I experienced the kind of universe-rupturing bogglement that means that, instead of talking theology, I must talk cake.

What beggars belief is not only that anyone should dislike fruitcake (I mean well-made fruitcake, not dry or doughy stuff), but that they should be able to dislike it in a universe containing banana bread! 

Fruitcake is nourishment. Fruitcake is a jewelled, rich, sweet slab of goodness that will sustain you for hours. It’s also truthful – it is what it says it is. Fruit + cake = fruitcake. But what exactly is banana bread? Is it cake pretending to be bread, or bread pretending to be cake? If it’s cake, why is it called ‘bread’? If it’s bread, what’s it doing on the muffin shelf in your local cafe? Bread is not cake. Bread is the outside of a sandwich. Horrid mushy fruit + bread = ????

This leads me to the most important point – how can any Catholic say he doesn’t like fruitcake, when fruitcake is clearly Catholicism in a cake? Think about it – fruitcake is ancient in origin; it’s liturgical (we associate it with Christmas); it’s soaked in alcohol; it’s universal and local; it’s sometimes gaudy and sometimes magnificent; insane people dislike it. Am I the only person in the world who looks at glazed fruit and thinks of the crown of St Stephen of Hungary? Glazed fruit isn’t meant to tasted like fruit. It’s meant to taste like jewels-as-children-see-them, turned into cake. The next time you see a glacé cherry, think of stained glass. (Actually, I have to admit that the first time I encountered an Hungarian fruitcake, which was piled high with glazed pineapple, I faltered. I also dislike almonds in fruitcake. But local custom is permissible; I don’t like birettas, either.)

Consider, in sorry contrast, that piece of banana bread. It’s a recent invention. It’s non-liturgical. It celebrates nothing. It eschews adornment. I may well be the only person in the world who looks at a fruitcake and thinks of Szent Istvan, but I can guarantee you that no one ever looked at a piece of banana bread and thought of royalty, or saints, or Christmas.

Hurray for fruitcake!

4 thoughts on “Catholicism is Fruitcake. Protestantism is Banana Bread.

  1. Team Alto says:

    The raising agent in banana bread is baking soda (yuk); in fruitcake, it’s eggs. I’m not sure where you could go with that, though. I see your point about the crown of St Stephen: I’ve thought that the crown on the head of Our Lady of Fatima looks like a beautiful iced currant bun, though I’m not sure where I should go with that thought, either.

    • lucieromarin says:

      Hmmmm – there’s definitely something significant in the egg being the raising agent of the ‘Catholic cake’…You could bake iced currant buns on her Feast Day! Croissants for Our Lady of Victories and currant buns for Our Lady of Fatima! I think as long as any idea ends up with us enjoying themed cake, it’s a good idea.

      • Team Alto says:

        It occurred to me that since Our Lady is the best of mothers, she deigns to wear the sort of outsized and overdecorated crown that would please a child. (My children often make things for me and decorate me as if I were a Christmas tree, but I’m not nearly as patient with them.)

      • lucieromarin says:

        You’re right! (About Our Lady, I mean; I can’t comment on your patience!). And she doesn’t love us less if our poems in her praise turn out to be more like pious doggerel than great art.

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